So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
