Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
