When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
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