In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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