I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
