Moan for me like Helen Keller
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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