hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
