He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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