Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
