____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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