Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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