Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
