The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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