Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
