You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
