Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
