so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
