I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
