this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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