it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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