so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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