You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
