Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I forget how to act sober
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
