I faked an abortion last night.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
