last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
then he tried to convert me to islam
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
