it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he was CRYING into my vagina
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
