Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
