Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
