Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
so much tequila, so little girl.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
