rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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