I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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