dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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