You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
