i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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