I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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