If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
