It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How does it feel to date your dad?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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