We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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