God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
