We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
