I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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