Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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