I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
