matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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