Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
