We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He shit in the fireplace
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
