make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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