i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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