hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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