I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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