I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
