Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
