I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
