When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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