That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
