my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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