So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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